religion kills.

today is not the best of days by any stretch of the imagination.














*pray for me.

Here's a meme. It's a list of one hundred-plus life experiences, most of which anyone could do if they had the money, some of which are misfortunes, and a few require courage or gumption. I have no idea who compiled this list or why. Things I have done are bold. Add to the list if you wish.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (several actually.)
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables (attempt count??)
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (not yet. hopefully someday.)
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury
Met someone famous
Joined a book club
Lost a loved one (does figuratively count?)
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
Owned a cell phone
Been stung by a bee
. Read an entire book in one day (Several times actually)
. Been in an automobile crash
102. Had stitches
103. Been bitten by an animal larger than a cat
104. Been assaulted
105. Assaulted someone
106. Got lost or stranded in the woods or desert long enough to worry about your well-being
107. nearly drowned
108. Been elected to or appointed to a public office
109. Traveled to a foreign country alone
110. Shot a gun
11. Had any dental procedure more involved than getting a cavity filled
112. Chopped firewood
113. Saw a dead body in context, not in a casket
114. Undergone surgery
115. Performed surgery
116. Performed CPR on a person in need of resuscitation
117. Spent time in jail
118. Piloted a plane
119. Rode a horse
120. Rode a horse bareback
121. Rode an elephant
122. Kissed the Blarney Stone
123. Gave your seat to someone in need of one
124. Took in a stray animal, for keeps
125. Ridden a unicycle
126. Snowshoed
127. Traversed an underground storm drain
128. Rode a camel

Small Straws In A Soft Wind by Marsha Burns -- December 5, 2008:
It is impossible for you to accomplish anything when you are overwhelmed by frustration. You must quiet your emotions. Be still so that you can receive My wisdom and direction to get through this roadblock. Look to Me, and know that what is frustrating you is no surprise to Me, and this is a moment in time when you can choose to release it to Me and get some real help. Either I will use this opportunity to bring you to a place of greater understanding and faith, or you will sit at this barricade for as long as it takes to awaken you to realize your inability to progress apart from My help, says the Lord.
Definition of frustration: A deep and chronic sense of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

...these are things i need to remember. write it in my heart. more like tattoo it on my heart. ugh.

i need to clean out my craft room. its in a sad sad state. ive been thinking about my sewing machine lately and dreaming about myself riding a bike that doesn't exist in reality.
i want to put that sewing machine to some use...maybe im a little bit afraid at the possibilities.
i've been getting back to my creative not-so-"roots" as of late.
painted a birdhouse two weeks ago and been thinking of photo stuff...

took a bunch of pictures at chastain this weekend. had the most perfect romantic, cozy, comfortable evening with the one i love.

possible trip to the mtns with the boys in the near future...
art in my head just floating by...

young blood gallery craft fair next week

restless and wondering, dusting ashes off this old familiarity...found once again in my garden of sincerity. picking at scabs never helps them heal unless...the healing was never the aim.

there was a faint faint light that flickered every now and then
blink and you'd miss it
when i blinked, id turn just long enough to catch your gaze turning away
this was never meant to be like that
: flash :
and those memories hit me like a gust of strong wind
blowing past, blowing me back right there
in that living room, i cant believe i forgot that line
"everyone should be at the point where they are
ready to die...tomorrow is not promised"
may your soul be in heaven five minutes before
the devil knows you're dead
because tomorrow never came
i remembered your calm even in the eye of so many storms
i can feel your hand on my shoulder, even now
the rage that ran through me the day it was over
that "love" i was losing at the time...
words couldn't take care of those tears but i made you sing
and the Lord took care of the rest
you opened that door and ushered me in
we knew there was an unspoken connection that couldnt break
to the point that it drove my dreams insane
shook me in the middle of night
reminders
your face, her face
HEAVEN ISN'T LIKE THAT
hard to remember in times like those when i awoke in a cold sweat
im sure you know the feeling
but now...
: flash :
an oasis, flooded with light and the clearest water ive ever seen
even if only in my dreams
a peace
a strength
an unspoken connection that couldnt break
even under the pressure of control
so what happens next i ask
where do we go from here i wonder
small injections of fear try to fill my lungs
(but i hold my breath long enough for it to pass...)
no, we cant let stagnancy turn into disease
this madness that was a mess
is being brushed off and molded into beauty
force the issue, i might
the power that we held in our palms
was more than we expected or understood...at the time
but a destiny of deliverance was being forged in fire
tried and tested until strong enough to withstand all
...have we withstood?
thats to be decided
but revelation has come with time
and the enemy had to come between in order to survive
suck the life out of the power source
and you think you win
the enemy thought he won
not so
not so anymore

its time i wave that white flag of surrender
enough is enough
too much power in the hands of my enemy
who vies for a stranglehold on my soul
...no more
im throwing in this towel
im saying sorry in as many different languages as i know
because the sun works with the ocean
not envious or wanting more than it deserves
wanting a unified front to accomplish a bigger goal
i want a unified front to accomplish a bigger goal
not forgetting whats past but stepping on it
stepping up over it and into something better
so i extend this handshake
leaving behind the hot burn of the late summer sun
letting the leaves of fall crash to the ground
watching winter's harsh wind blow in another direction
and letting spring's blush of color kiss my soul
allowing the blooms to come up and live
all around me...life is whispering
and i'm listening harder than before...
i need this more than before.
i need you more than before.

had a hard night. not a lot of sleep. had a nervous breakdown of sorts.



but i look up at the ( trees )

the rest of em ( here )

woah-almost forgot about tegan and sara on leno tonight...just happened to turn on the TV and hit record on the DVR...nice.

so today was awesome. katie took off work and we had a great day together. we slept in a little, then blasted some jason mraz through the house. we went to Vinyl and went to the Jason Mraz "circle of friends" hosted by Dave929, which i won tickets to on Friday. it was awesome--had lunch there, then a small, acoustic set with Jason Mraz...he was amazing--his voice is so stripped of any impurities...it comes straight from his soul, very flawless, yet raw and genuine. it was enlightening almost.

we went home after that and got ready for "American Idol Night"--had a couple friends over to watch the results show and i cooked dinner--it was a nice time.

now, im just chillin with the Nikon, trying to upload what i shot tonight.

going to help some friends pack and move tomorrow with Cari....

yesterday i auditioned with disney on broadway for a singing part in the Lion King. it went pretty well, i was able to show my range in 8 bars, so i hope that helped me out. there was only one awkward moment while i was singing and didnt know where to look, so i closed my eyes and then half looked at the judges--i have no idea what i was doing at that point...ah well.

i feel too cynical to pour my heart out these days
i just want a renewed sense of me.

me. yesterday. just because.



also, shane says hello. she wishes she could type.

thanks to our awesome buds Jerime & Doug we now have a kitchen table! Wooohooo!
...and remember kids, you never know when your trash can become another persons treasure! Ask around before throwing stuff out!!

so...my trip to FLA was amazing. not a vacation, but full time ministry. i learned a lot from the least expected people. i spoke at 2 youth prisons...on Tuesday i spoke on purpose...these boys were 13-17 and i told them that no matter where they'd come from...no matter what they've done...that God has a purpose for their lives. i told them the ways to get to their purpose and find their calling...i shared with them the best definition i had ever heard for purpose: "where your deepest passion meets the world's deepest hunger, that is where your purpose lies". i told them to find out what it is they LOVE to do--and do that to serve others, to give to others...they were truly receptive of the word and thankful, very grateful for Jason and I being there. Thursday night i spoke on restoration and told them how the Lord wants to restore their lives better than it was before, how He has a greater plan for them than they could imagine. Again, the boys were extremely receptive and appreciative...just about all of them came up for prayer for their families/loved ones, rarely did they ask for prayer for themselves...the humility was great, it was beautiful.

we also got to spend last friday with Ruth and Barry Cooper and their beautiful Golden Retriever puppies....Cody and Cooper :). Had a good conversation with Ruth, got ot go to her church and see the Passion Play. West Palm Beach is absolutely BEAUTIFUL....got to meet Jason's friends Alex and Tara, who graciously invited us to stay at their home Friday night. We all went to Cheesecake Factory where I got a frantic call from Katie telling me about what was going on in Atlanta---she was DRIVING THROUGH DOWNTOWN when it all went down---trying to get home from a night out with friends in Midtown...she was afraid and I could hear it in her voice...it broke my heart to be so far away. I had Ruth pray for her over the phone and just waited for the storm to subside. We went back to Tara and Alex's and just sat in front of the TV, switching between FOX and CNN.

I met a lot of good people in Tampa, but Jason's dad, John and his granny are two that i won't soon forget. They are so giving of themselves, so selfless in their attitudes and so in tune to what the Holy Spirit is speaking to their hearts. Really amazing people.

Got to go to Jason's old "stomping grounds", Sacred Grounds coffeehouse, a pretty much gay/indie coffeeshop in Tampa...reminded me a little of Javamonkey in Decatur or San Francisco Coffee in VA-HI or something.

Overall, this experience reminded me of MY calling and how much i've tried to almost abandon it because of past hurts/disappointments. I can't give up. There is way too much work for me personally to do in this world to serve others--there's no way I can give up. Too many people who are hurting and suffering and not knowing that there is a love that never leaves them...

This trip reminded me that sometimes you have to leave a situation to gain true clarity about it. That is definitely one thing i gained over the last week: clarity. I am reminded that sometimes you do all you know to do to rectify a situation, and once you've done your part...you've got to step back, not walk away, just step back. And thats what i'm doing...stepping back...getting a panaramic view of all that surrounds me, seeing truly what is going on. Reminding myself of these stories, these lessons i've learned...this wisdom i've gained...it won't soon be forgotten...thank you...

...the rest of 'em ( here... )

katie got me Across the Universe!!!! yay!!! im excited...ive wanted to see this movie since before it came out in theaters and i was tryign to find a time when me & my friend Lori could get together and see it in the theater and we never got our schedules together SO...katie got it for me...we had a "Beatles" themed v-day this year...i got her a Beatles shirt and a journal (from the puppies & kitty of course...).

ok, i check out probably 20 books a months from the library...i have YET to finish one...i want to read but i kinda hate to read...what? yeah...i know. i need to find books i like...help...please...i want to LOVE reading like i did when i was 12.

"i'm trying not to think of you
and ways we used to be
but i've been flashing in on your jawline
to tell you the truth honey i'd like to kick you out of me"

yep...but im waiting patiently now for my nerves to kick on
and for all the anxiety to leave, maybe i can go back to normal...
the last two years are a blur that i'd just like to forget for the
most part...for the most part i dont remember anyway...
so, lets move on, out of this --climb out of the cave of ignorance
and learn forgiveness and mercy

grew some balls and had a much needed conversation yesterday with someone i missed very much. i can feel the climate changing...